I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
