If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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