she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
only you would photoshop your dick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
