I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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