I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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