I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
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Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi