Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So many bounce houses so little time
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.