you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dating After Heartbreak
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?