hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
