So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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