Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
