If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
