Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
