I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
