remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
