Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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