1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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