she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
