my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
