it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
