i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
