i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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