just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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