Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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