after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
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I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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