its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You made out with two different species that night
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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