He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
