I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
