Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
