i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
