Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
