he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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