im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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