Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize