Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
