Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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