Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
