I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
