I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
