Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
