This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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