One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize