Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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