so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
