we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
