Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
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