I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
