dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
