I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
