I just saw a hot homeless man
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
