Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you pee in the oven last night??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
