I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
