wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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