So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
