you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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