i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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