My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
